✦ The Beast Provoking Distress ✦ A Mental Health Story ✦

God damn it, this really sucks. 

If you're reading this blog entry hoping for something light-hearted and fun, it's probably best that you turn around. Things are going to probably get pretty real here. And not all stories have a happy ending. In fact, in the life of Yue Selene, there have only been a handful of happy endings overall. 

See, I am what is affectionately referred to as “completely insane”. Or at least, that's how it feels most of the time, and I apologize if that phrasing offends anyone - sometimes, self deprecation eases the blows. I am this wonderful bowl of alphabet soup: PTSD, OCD, GAD, and MDD. It stems from a dark and twisted decade of trauma, and running into some really shitty key players in my life. 

I have this friend. Really, I have this other half of my soul. I connected with her hard and fast, so much so that it felt like my heart could understand her heart better than anyone. Now, she has also had her own traumas. I guess that's just being a person in today's society, but especially a woman. Her traumas, when we started sharing, match a lot of my own traumas. I felt my soul click with this friend so easily, she really is a puzzle piece of my heart. 

A few months back, my friend went through some hard times. She had been suspected to have BPD, and after a couple months of breakdown, she ended up walking away with an actual diagnosis. She sent me a video about the 9 traits of BPD. As I was reading it, I could easily see where each one applied to her situation. But what's more - I saw how each one had applied to situations throughout my life. 

Unstable relationships? Yes, from 14-24 I probably had 20 partners and… something like 12% or less were healthy partners and safe relationships. Unstable sense of self? Yes, during those years I saw myself as nothing more than an object to warm beds. Even now, I have exactly 0 self confidence. Bouts of anger? Yes, but usually mine are directed at myself (see, giant bruise on my forehead from getting angry with myself and “punishing” myself). Extreme mood swings? Yes, these still happen frequently. Paranoia/psychosis? Never the psychosis but the paranoia frequently. Chronic feelings of emptiness? Yes, that has always come in waves. Self harm/suicidal tendencies? It had been a while, but yes, I've suffered that as well. 

The funny thing was when I went to my husband and said “Hey, do these like up with me, too, or am I projecting?” And he looked at me like I was speaking nonsense and said “Do you not remember when we were first dating, and you told me you suspect you have BPD? I've lived with that assumption since because it fits.” Somehow, between BPD breakdowns, all memory of previously suspecting it had left my head. I trust and believe my husband, who has experience with various mental health issues. At very least, 12 years ago, I suspected this monster of living in my head. 

I'm rolling with it. Every single time I have gone through what I thought were PTSD bouts (months long after a trigger where I'm in a state of crisis), almost 7/9 minimum traits line up. I get reprieves between bouts but they always come back by some trigger from my past trauma. Somehow, life brought me to a “soul sister”, who had the same demons as I (and not the fun ones!)

A description I gave to my husband, which features the 9 traits of BPD and how they feel within my body.

Which is where I'm at now. Months ago, an unintended trigger to my PTSD hit. My sense of stability, self, and safety shattered and I have been in a constant crux state since, trying to breathe between waves. The worst part is being smart about it. I know exactly when every single symptom arises and what that symptom is. But I can't stop it. As the graphic dictates, it's like the Smart Me is sitting in a cage, with a sprinkler system overhead. Each BPD trait/symptom is a type of acid that gets rained down on me from above. I know what the acids are, but I can't stop them. And I try to control my reactions to them. I hold back the pain and keep it under control… until I can't.

This blog post does not have a resolution or a happy ending. Mostly, I'm getting things out of my own head. Honestly, I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be causing pain to the people I love. I don't want to be an emotional/mental burden on my poor, tired husband. I don't want to be unable to offer my children the spoons they want me to give, and deserve to get. I don't want to message my friends in the middle of the night because I'm freaking out and have decided that the best course of action is to sleep in a gazebo on the front lawn. I don't want to be this way. 

Internal Family Systems - or what I like to call "Role Play Therapy". Think Inside Out ~ Little personalities in your head that serve purposes but sometimes go batshit crazy.

So I'm going to try. I'm on a waitlist for therapy and am trying to work up the nerve to contact the mental health nurse at my family doctor's office (I just don't vibe with her, but I'm lucky to have that available). I'm working on a self-directed Internal Family Systems therapy… and I'm hoping that maybe, writing these as blog entries will not only give it a chance to get out of my head, but will connect with someone going through similar things and maybe you won't feel alone. Because if there's one thing I know, you can be surrounded by love with this illness… and still feel completely alone.